Today, we're diving deep into the concept of urges and cravings. Whether you're tackling habits like drinking, using substances, overeating, or overspending, learning how to manage these urges and cravings is key to successful behavior change. Let's explore how you can navigate urges and cravings effectively and reshape your habits.
Understanding Urges and Cravings: It's Just Habituated Desire
An urge is simply a habituated desire—a craving that your brain expects in certain situations or emotional states. It's like a well-worn path your mind automatically follows. Think about it: the urge or craving hits when you're stressed, at a party, with certain friends, or even just relaxing at home after a long day. Your brain has learned to expect certain things, at certain times when you are feeling certain emotions and that’s what the urge is all about. But how can we handle these urges and cravings in a way that supports our goals?
Reacting to an Urge or Craving: Fueling the Habit Cycle
Reacting is the most straightforward response to an urge—it's giving in to the desire, whether it's pouring a drink, using a substance, reaching for a snack, or indulging in retail therapy. It’s going out and getting the thing that you want. Reacting reinforces the habit loop because you're rewarding yourself for giving in. It's easy, but it doesn't help break the cycle.
Client’s Insight: “I remember when I used to react to stress by heading straight for the fridge. It felt like a quick fix, but it only made me feel worse in the long run.”
Resisting the Urge or Craving: The Willpower Struggle
Resisting an urge or a craving looks like willpower. It is like gritting your teeth and saying, "No, I won't give in." “Go away, no!” It requires a lot of energy and can feel like a constant battle against yourself. The problem with resisting is that it focuses all your attention on saying "no," without addressing the underlying reasons behind the urge.
Client’s Insight: “When I tried to resist cravings, it felt like holding my breath. Eventually, I'd cave in because I wasn't addressing why I was craving in the first place.”
Distracting Yourself: Finding Temporary Relief
Distracting involves shifting your focus away from the urge and getting busy with something else. It could be cleaning, avoiding certain places or situations, or replacing one craving with another (like eating instead of drinking). While distracting can temporarily sidestep the urge, it doesn't address the habit itself or the triggers causing it. Distracting can look like avoidance. Avoiding the party, avoiding the people, avoiding the situation and just working or focusing intently on something else. On the surface this seems okay but is it realistic that you will only work, work, work? Will you always turn down all invites or not participate in any holidays?
Client’s Insight: “I used to distract myself with work when I felt stressed, but it didn't solve the underlying need for relaxation and comfort that led to my urge to use.”
Observing the Urge or Craving: Embracing Mindful Awareness
Observing an urge or craving is about allowing it to exist without reacting to it. This approach requires mindfulness—to acknowledge the urge without judgment or action. It's like watching a wave pass by instead of trying to swim against it. Just allow it to be there without answering it.
Client’s Insight: “Learning to observe my cravings was transformative. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I began to see them as passing sensations that I could choose to act on or let go.”
The Power of Observation: Changing the Narrative
Observing your urges, your cravings shifts your perspective. Instead of seeing them as unbearable demands, you realize they're manageable discomforts that will pass if you allow them. It's about separating the urge from the negative thoughts that accompany it. When you do this, you will notice that your feelings really lie in your body in the form of sensations. Then you can ask yourself is this sensation intolerable? Is it a true emergency that I have to take action on this instant to make it stop? You begin to realize that the actual urge itself is not an emergency, but all your thoughts about it are.
Client’s Insight: One client compared resisting an urge to wearing an itchy sweater—"it's uncomfortable, not my favorite thing in the world, a little scratchy, but not impossible to endure." This metaphor helped him see that discomfort doesn't have to dictate his actions.
The Adult and Toddler Analogy: Managing Your Inner Dialogue
Imagine your brain has an adult (prefrontal cortex) and a toddler (lower brain). The adult plans for the future and weighs consequences, while the toddler seeks instant gratification. Managing urges is about letting the adult supervise the toddler's demands. Imagine that every time you went to the store, you brought your toddler along and gave him a piece of candy. After a while, the toddler brain, will think, “Hey when we’re at the store, I get some candy.” Soon the toddler will be expecting a piece of candy every time you go to the store. He will be babbling about the candy the whole way to the store. At first it seemed like a win-win. Every time you were at the store and trying to shop you could keep the toddler occupied with the promise of the candy. But as you did this more and more, your adult brain (prefrontal cortex) started to notice, “I don’t really like what’s going on here. He is incessantly asking about candy, when he is going to get it and why not this minute.” You start to think the toddler is having too much sugar and is so fixated on the candy every time you go to the store. You decide you have had enough. You tell the toddler, “no more candy. You are whining too much and thinking too much about this candy.” What do you think will happen when you first try to enforce this? The toddler is going to lose his mind, freak out and have a tantrum. The toddler will wonder, “what are you thinking about, we do this every time before. I have been waiting for this candy the whole ride to the store. I want my candy!” He cries, throws a fit, throws himself on the floor. You are embarrassed and yet you just need to allow it. Watch him and realize “this is my lower brain throwing a fit, like a toddler. I am the adult and even though it is easier to give in I know that if I give in he is going to be even more insistent the next time.” If you don’t give in the toddler will wear himself out from the screaming and crying and if you stay consistent from this point on, each time you go to the store, the toddler will learn that going to the store does not equal getting a piece of candy.
Client’s Insight: “Visualizing my urges as a demanding toddler helped me realize that I had the power to say "no" and endure the tantrum without giving in to instant gratification.”
Breaking the Think-Feel-Act Cycle: Addressing the Root Thoughts
Every urge is triggered by a thought, even if it seems automatic. These thoughts create feelings that drive actions—the urge to drink, use substances, eat, or spend. By identifying and challenging these thoughts, you can disrupt the habit loop and change your responses over time.
Client’s Insight: “Recognizing that my desire to have a drink was often triggered by stress or boredom helped me develop healthier coping strategies like taking a walk or deep breathing.”
Embracing Discomfort: Rewiring Your Brain
Handling discomfort when you resist an urge is a skill that improves with practice. Instead of giving in to avoid discomfort, staying with the urge teaches your brain that it won't always get what it wants. Over time, the urge loses its intensity.
Client’s Insight: “Initially, it was tough to sit with my cravings without acting on them, but each time I resisted, I felt more empowered and in control of my choices.”
Conclusion: Mastering Your Urges and Cravings for Lasting Change
Managing urges is a journey of self-awareness and resilience. By observing, rather than reacting to your cravings, you empower yourself to break free from habitual behaviors and make conscious choices aligned with your goals. Remember, change takes time and practice, but every small victory strengthens your ability to overcome urges and live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Client’s Insight: “I've learned that managing urges isn't just about willpower—it's about understanding why they arise and developing compassionate ways to respond to them. This shift in mindset has been instrumental in my own journey towards healthier habits.”
In summary, whether you're facing urges and cravings related to drinking, using substances, overeating, or any other habit, embracing mindfulness and self-awareness can pave the way for lasting change. It's not about perfection, but progress—one mindful choice at a time.
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